Falling Down and NOT Running Away

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Sometimes things happen.  Sometimes things are Life. Other times things aren’t things. They are just one thing.  They are just one letter; I

Work didn’t tell me to skip the gym.  My son didn’t tell me to eat pizza instead of the lunch I brought.  My husband definitely didn’t tell me to skip doing work and play games on my iphone.  Nope.

What we have here is a failure to commit.  But why?

Ok, let’s rewind about two months:

I’m gung ho! I’m rarin’ to go!  I’ve got my supplements.  I’ve shopped.  My training sessions are scheduled.

One day gets stressful and I seek the typical head in the sand escape.  I cancel on Ben at Rejuv.  I don’t eat my lunch or really anything at all.  I’m running late and blame the world.

I’m afraid.  I don’t know why.  I’m totally fearless with so many things, but when it comes to weight loss and commitment to myself, I run scared and it takes me weeks to figure out that I’m running.

Then it’s the lunch lady sized ladle of steaming hot self guilt.  “Will they just shake their heads at me?”  “Will they think less of me?”  “Am I a total failure?”  “Who have I let down now?”  “How can I hide my total embarassment and self pity from everyone, they can’t see me like this!”

I work in a career where my life is in the open for all to see.  Sometimes I have to appear super happy even when I’m not.  I have to be the life of the party.  90% of the time, I am happy and ready to party, but there’s that 10% of the time that I question if people will not like me as much if they only knew that I fall down on the road to progress alot. This is where negative self talk destroys me.

This has been a pattern in my life for years.  Back in college, I was a Computer Science Major.  I loved learning code, JAVA, C++, etc.  However, even though I was good at it, I was even better at correcting other people’s incorrect coding.  This is just like my weight loss journey.

I know what to do.  I can even help others on their road.  I have the answers.  I just can’t seem to execute them for myself. The only thing I can think of is that by helping others, I’m not committing to anything. I’m just swooping in and doing what I love in short bursts.

Weight loss for me can’t be a hobby. It can’t be an every now and then thing.  I need to keep my head out of the sand and make this a career.  I know that I can do this. I did it before I had Timothy. Losing the weight after baby?  So much harder mentally.  I’m strongly thinking of joining the weekly support group at Rejuv Medical calling “Breaking Barriers”.  It might be just what I need to finally COMMIT to this LIFESTYLE of health.

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